Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics
by Eikichi
Summary: Slash and Linda take a little time to read the fanfics we've written and then review them, starting with the very first story in the category! What will they say about YOURS? [Rating raised to PG-13 due to the kids' random foul mouths in this fic]
1. Our First Five Reviews!

Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics  
  
Rated: PG  
  
Description: Two kids (also the favorite couple of many SK fans) are going to review the Snowboard Kids fics we've written! They will review five fanfics a chapter. Good idea, huh?.......*crickets chirping* Um, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Me: Hello everyone and welcome to this fic. Now without further ado I would like to introduce our duo-  
  
Duo: HI!  
  
Me: No no no, not YOU! Now get back to repairing the Deathscythe! It needs fixin'.  
  
Duo: Right. *heads off*  
  
Me: *sigh* As if the computer doesn't know the difference between the WORD 'duo' and Duo Maxwell. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah. Two of our favorite Snowboard Kids are going to review some of our fanfics that we've written. Their reviews start at the very first one written and they continue up to the most recent one written. Now without further ado, our DUO. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----  
  
(Slash and Linda walk in)  
  
Slash: Hi! For all of you who would want to go out with me, my number is-  
  
Linda: Don't start. So Miss Authoress, where do we start?  
  
Me: At the very first SK fic written, which would be.....*looks at list* ........"The Beauty Contest" by Mist!  
  
Slash: Yay!  
  
Linda: Whoopee.  
  
Me: Okay, I'm gonna go now. You two read the fic and then give the public your opinions. *hands them the list*  
  
Linda: Okay, our first story is "The Beauty Contest", by Mist. It seems that the fic is based on.....uh.....Slash, why don't you read.  
  
Slash: YAY! Okay, let's see. This is about.....WHOA!!!! Linda and Nancy fighting over me!!! Whoohoo!!!  
  
Linda: GRRRRR.  
  
Slash: And it goes like this. Nancy and Linda are having an argu- ment about which one of them -I- like best. (Heh heh) so they have a beauty contest!!! I get to stare at them wearing swimsuits and lingerie for about ten minutes, and when the verdict comes in, Nancy turns out to be the winner. Linda cries, me and Nancy kiss, the end. WAIT A MINUTE!!!! *looks at fic* ME AND NANCY KISS?!?  
  
Linda: Obviously, it's a you-and-bunny girl pairing.  
  
Slash: *Blushes furiously* Heh heh, uh, heh, uh, maybe I should voice MY thoughts on the fic now. Um, this is what I think.  
  
Linda: Actually, I would have a more intelligent response, so I will do the reviewing.  
  
Slash: COME ON!!!  
  
Linda: The story is a rather bit short (253 words, to be correct), but it has a basic storyline. And although it ends abruptly, it ends sweetly with a kiss between Slash and Nancy. Although some would argue that it HAS no plot, it actually does, so they can't talk. The bottom line? Give it a read, especially if you are a Sushi (Slash x Nancy) fan.  
  
Slash: I like sushi.  
  
Linda: Right. Onto our next fic!!! It is....."That One Song" by Mist!  
  
Slash: Wow, this Mist person has been busy!  
  
Linda: Remember, these were written all the way back in 2001. *Ahem* Now we shall read and review.  
  
*They read it*  
  
Linda: Okay Slash, explain the tale.  
  
Slash: Right-O. Anyway, this is a songfic, based on the song "Upside Down" By A*Teens.  
  
Linda: I LOVE those guys!  
  
Slash: Because they're preppy. Anyway-  
  
Linda: HEY!  
  
Slash: ANYWAY, Slash *suddenly gets a confused look* Uh, ME, walks out of school disappointed with bad grades. I see Nancy and Linda in the classroom singing a song. Afterwards, on the school bus ride home, I SUDDENLY GET AN URGE TO TELL NANCY THAT I HAVE SUDDENLY FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER AND WE KISS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS! The end.  
  
Linda: You didn't have to be so harsh!  
  
Slash: I'm a CRITIC! Critics criticize!  
  
Linda: But critics - Oh, forget it! Anyway, Sushi fans will also like this piece, as it involves romance *sigh* singing, and a nice little ending. Songfic lovers will also get treated to a nice little piece of writing. In short, those with a heart for love, singing, and a Slash and Nancy pairing will appreciate this cute little songfic.  
  
Slash: *Screams in Linda's ear* NEXT FIC!!!!  
  
Linda: Ow! You little dork. Okay, our next fic is....."Truth Dare" by Mist!  
  
Slash: This Mist lady is on a roll.  
  
Linda: Back in 2001. Anyway, this is another songfic, except the song is from one of MY favorite animes, Sailor Moon. And the tale is this; everyone is playing truth or dare at Damien's house. A few truths and dares are gone through before Damien dares Nancy to sing her favorite song. Nancy does so, but this is where it ends, because sadly, Mist never finished this fic.  
  
Slash: Darn!  
  
Linda: However, from what is written so far we have determined that this is a fic involving Wendy/Tommy pairing, Damien/some girl pairing, Slash/Nancy pairing, and.......*looks at paper with huge eyes* ME AND JAM?!?!?  
  
Jam: *from behind curtain* OH YUCK!!!!  
  
Linda: *cough* Well, at the bottom it asks if I like Slash or if Slash likes Nancy, so I guess that's up for the viewer to decide since they didn't finish.  
  
Slash: Uh, fic number four.  
  
Linda: Sure thing. Our fourth fic is.........."The Curse of No-Bird Mountain" by Fanfiction Goddess!!!  
  
Slash: Yay!  
  
Linda: And Slash will give us the storyline.  
  
Slash: Oui oui, mademoiselle!  
  
Linda: Um, Slash, this isn't your French class.  
  
Slash: *screams in her ear again* WHO CARES?!?  
  
Linda: Ow. Um, just explain the fic.  
  
Slash: Righty. Our story is about all us Snowboard Kids. Our assignment is to pack our things and take a trip to the legendary No-Bird Mountain for a month so that Nancy can make a documentary about it. The results? On the way there, a loud screech is heard, and suddenly everyone grows suspicious of our green-skinned demon boy. The fic ends there, sadly, another unfinished one, but fear not.....uh, I don't know what to say next.  
  
Linda: In conclusion. Humor and adventure lovers will get a kick out of this one, especially with the slight horror theme. Although the fic isn't finished, one could write the rest of what happens easily. Use your imaginations! I did.  
  
Slash: Booyah grandma!  
  
Linda: Okay! Our fifth and final fic for today is......"Truth Dare Double Trouble" by Angewomon 2000!  
  
Slash: Yes!  
  
Linda: Talk to them, Slash.  
  
Slash: You gotcha. Here we have a story of us playing YET ANOTHER Truth or Dare game, which ends the first chapter when Jam's hair gets cut off, Matt (some Digimon dude) cusses out me and Jam, Jam has to kiss the dude next door and.....and.... I GET A PERM?!?!?!?!  
  
Linda: HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Slash: NOT FUNNY!!!!  
  
Linda: Yes it is!!!!  
  
Slash: Oh yeah?!? Lemme find a part in here where YOUR dignity gets robbed!!!.................AHA!!! Jam cuts off part of your hair with scissors!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!  
  
Linda: NO!!!!  
  
Slash: YES!!!!  
  
Me: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY EXPLANATION NOW?!?  
  
Linda/Slash: Yes'm.  
  
Me: Thanks.  
  
Slash: Anyway, the second chapter involves..........a popcorn monster, a movie marathon, Jam dressed like Sailor Moon throwing his tiara at people-  
  
Jam: *from behind curtain* WHAT?!?  
  
Slash/Linda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jam: No way!!! Cut that part out!!!  
  
Me: I'd have to ask Angie.  
  
Linda: It also says right here that Jam punches Slash in the face.  
  
Slash: Ow.  
  
Jam: *from behind curtain* Ha ha.  
  
Slash: CONTINUING. Anyway, the second chapter ends with no movies, no popcorn, Jam continuing to be Sailor Moon, and once again our rapper boy chases everyone around the house with scissors cutting peoples' hair off. Chapters 3 and 4 feature a slumber party, me as Sailor Mars and Jam as Sailor Moon, another large fighting incident, Linda is put in jail for battery and assault, and in the end, everyone gets along as well as the little kids on Barney.  
  
Linda: Summarizing everything up........those of you with insane imaginations, who love a good laugh, who love those kinda fics when there's a surprise around every corner, you will absolutely DIE for this one. I myself was laughing, but probably because it featured two of my guy friends cross-dressing in Sailor Scout uniforms.  
  
Slash: *sweatdrop, angry look*  
  
Linda: Well, that's it for today kids! Join us next time for Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics!  
  
Slash: And remember, if ladies don't check you out, at least you should be handy.  
  
Linda: Aha, ahaaa......ha........okay, bye. 


	2. Our Second Five Reviews!

Part TWO!  
  
---------------  
  
Me: Hello audience and welcome again to another episode of Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics! Today we will be reading five more fanfiction pieces in the SK category. Take it away, guys!  
  
Linda: Sure thing. Hey, where's Slash?  
  
Slash: PEEKABOO! *jumps out from behind curtain*  
  
Linda: Was that intended to scare me?  
  
Slash: Uh, probably not.  
  
Linda: Okay. So let's see.......our first fic for this time is............. "Going Digital" by Angewomon 2000!  
  
Slash: I hope it's funny.  
  
Linda: It probably is. Now let's read.  
  
*they read it*  
  
Linda: And now Slash will give us our summary.  
  
Slash: Good. Our buddy Jam is stuck home alone all three chapters, and each time gets an inspiration to sing one of the songs on his siblings' CDs. Each time he gets caught, he faces a lot of embarassment, and in the end, it turns out that -I- got him on videotape dancing around. He gets MAJORLY dissed, and that's how the fic ends. Ha ha....  
  
Jam: YOU KNOW WHAT?!? *comes out from behind curtain* I AM SICK TO DEATH OF ALL THIS -ME- BASHING!!!! I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH IT ANY - MORE! FIND A FIC THAT DOESN'T TOTALLY ROAST ME, AND READ -THAT-!!!! *storms off stage*  
  
Linda/Slash: *blink blink*  
  
Linda: In conclusion, this humorous three-chaptered songfic will give you a pretty good case of the giggles. Give it a read, it's Linda-approved.  
  
Slash: That was stupid.  
  
Linda: Whatever. And now for Fic #2! And that is..........."The Disillusioned Homework" by MH001!  
  
Slash: Yes! I remember this one! It stars me as the main character!  
  
Linda: Good, then you'll have a wonderful time reading the plot to everyone. Now do so.  
  
Slash: With pleasure! Okay. My adventure starts in the classroom of our stupid witchy French teacher Mrs. Voltinitzen. I'm dozing off (like I usually do, heh heh) and she gets me busted by making me write a story, complete with narration and illustration. To get my mind off this horrendous assignment (and off my ugly teacher) me and the gang go to Mr. Cube's after school. SO. After Linda nearly thrashes me within an inch of my life, me and my buddy Jam manage to get to my house in time to play a little Skateboard Kids 2. But the problem IS, we still have a report to write. BUT! Being the genius I am, I come up with a way to avoid having to write my paper. I ask Wendy if we can borrow her time machine, so we can travel into the future and get it from my future self. The problem is, my future self didn't do it, because my past self was too busy looking for my future self so that I could get the homework. Confusion sets in, but by the time me and Jam arrive at the 8:30 Slash's time, we catch the loafer reading a comic book, and put him to work on the spot. Therefore, later on all the other Slashes and Jams from different times write the story because the 8:30 Slash is a loafer and probably wouldn't do it. So we write it, everything else goes well, and the only problem is that a certain rapper boy entitled the story "No Thanks To Slash, the Time-Traveling Turkey." So in conclusion, our worries are over, and our only fear left is a very angry Linda. The End.  
  
Linda: Man, that was the longest story review ever! You're getting good at this. The verdict? Insanity and hilarity abounds in this creative little fic. Definitely give it a read.  
  
Slash: Time for our next fic review, though. What's our third fic?  
  
Linda: "The Crest of Serenity" By Angewomon 2000!  
  
Slash: Angie's been busy too.  
  
Linda: So this is our story behind our third story. Slash?  
  
Slash: Way ahead of ya. Okay. This story is kind of a Digimon-SK crossover (that's our Angie!) and Nancy is awaiting the arrival of her cousin Matt, along with his friends. When he finally does arrive, he brings along a few friends, including an eight-year-old that Jam falls for. HUH? *reads fic again* JAM FALLS FOR AN EIGHT YEAR OLD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.....  
  
Jam: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!! *He jumps out from behind the curtain, tackles Slash and the two immediately start beating him up. Two guards like the ones on Jerry Springer bring them off the stage so Linda can continue.*  
  
Linda: Right..........well, since Slash is too busy making a scene, I think maybe I should continue explaining the fic. Anyway, after Nancy and the rest of us meet her cousins, we go to Snow Town, unaware that a huge monster called Krystaliamon is about to steal our pure hearts away. Unfortunately, before our new friends can even give us a proper introduction, the evil Digimon arrives, chasing us down. We manage to keep our distance for a good long while, until sadly, a victim is claimed.....our poor little Slashy-pie........and his pure heart is taken. *sniff* And even more sadly, the fanfic wasn't finished because some IDIOT FLAMERS in the reviews for this fic majorly slammed Angie and inspired her to discontinue. So, until then, we can only hope our dear Slash is going to be alright.....  
  
*Slash walks onstage looking beat up and disheveled*  
  
Slash: Yes. I'm alright. Thanks for asking.  
  
Linda: .............The bottom line? Action and crossovers are abundant in this fanfic. A little hint of Sci-Fi is mixed in too. Although it isn't finished, look at it anyway and see if it suits you.  
  
Slash: Next fic!  
  
Linda: Right. Our fourth entry for today is............."Snowboard Kids vs. Digidestined" by Angewomon 2000!  
  
Slash: MORE DIGIMON?!?  
  
Linda: You'd better back off or I'm kicking you off the show.  
  
Slash: Eep.....  
  
Linda: That's what I thought. SO! Now I will have Slash explain this fic.  
  
Slash: *takes the papers from Linda's hands and reads the fic*  
  
Linda: Done?  
  
Slash: Yes. Okay! This is how it goes. Us Snowboard Kids and the Digimon guys are stuck on an island, forced to make our own hideout, get our own food, but this is all screwed up because first of all, Tommy eats all the food, and the fic is NOT FINISHED.  
  
Linda: What's with all these unfinished fics?  
  
Slash: I dunno. Maybe we should ask Angie to finish.  
  
Linda: My thoughts exactly. So the judgement for this one is, it would have been absolutely a masterpiece if it had only been finished.  
  
Slash: Yeah..........okay so, what's the last fic for today?  
  
Linda: Our last fic is.........."T'Was the Night Before X-Mas, Snowboard Kid style"! By Angewomon 2000!  
  
Slash: Yay!  
  
Linda: And Slash will read to us.  
  
Slash: Okay. The fic is about Jam. He's all grown up, he's happily married, and the problem is Nancy's cousin (and Digimon character) Matt breaks into the house dressed as Santa Claus. They apprehend the perpetrator, they send him running with a hair-eating praying mantis, and in the end, Jam and his honey cuddle up in bed only for Jam to discover that his wife is pregnant! Da-da-da-da! Not to mention the second chapter features a funny X-mas party scenario involving Jam and me attempting to break in the house, only to view Mimi half naked. We all fall down, Jam confesses his hate for chocolate, and various other things happen. Wanna find out the OTHER things? READ THE FIC YOURSELF!!!  
  
Linda: That was uncalled for.  
  
Slash: I have a bellybutton.  
  
Linda: Don't we all. Well, that's all the time we have for today. In the meantime, take our advice - keep on reading and you'll get a pleasant greeting.  
  
Slash: You GOTTA think of some new lines.  
  
Linda: Whatever...... 


	3. Our Third Five Reviews!

Part THREE!  
  
---------------  
  
Me: Hello and welcome back to Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics. Let us begin, shall we?  
  
Linda: Thanks. Okay, can I have the list? Thanks again. And our first-  
  
Slash: WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! *runs in with a long piece of toilet paper trailing off of his shoe* I was going poopies.  
  
Me/Linda: ........  
  
Me: We didn't need to know that.  
  
Slash: Too bad. So what's our first story?  
  
Linda: .....  
  
Me: I'll be leaving now.  
  
Linda: Yes! RUN! Get outta here! Slash will scare you even more!  
  
Slash: No I won't.  
  
Linda: And our first story for THIS episode is, "We've Got the Wrong Schedules" By Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: *waves a little flag* Yay.  
  
Linda: Read and review, Slash.  
  
Slash: *drops the flag* Hm. *grabs the papers, reads the fic*  
  
Linda: Well?  
  
Slash: It's not finished.  
  
Linda: Tell us about it anyway!  
  
Slash: Well, the three siblings wake up to the most dreaded morning of all, the first day of school. After several attempts at different pranks to serve as alarm clocks, they hurry off to school, and when they get there they hold each others' schedules for each other, which turns out to get all mixed up when everyone grabs the wrong schedules. And sadly, the fic is not finished, so it's up to you to make up the rest.  
  
Linda: Maybe from now on we shouldn't review unfinished fics.  
  
Slash: Maybe. So what's the bottom line, Linds?  
  
Linda: Don't call me that. So the bottom line is, although it's not finished, it certainly was a humor fic in progress.  
  
Slash: Next fic.  
  
Linda: Oh good! You didn't scream in my ear this time. Our next fanfic would be............"What the Snowboard Kids and Digidestined-  
  
Slash: NO! NO MORE DIGIMON!!! THIS IS A PURELY SNOWBOARD KIDS COUNCIL HERE!!!!!  
  
Linda: *blink blink* Uh, Jam?  
  
Jam: *comes out from behind the curtain* Yes?  
  
Linda: Could you replace Slash for this next review?  
  
Jam: Sure. *pushes Slash out of the way*  
  
Slash: Hey! It's not, it's not, hey!  
  
Jam: Stop stuttering. You sound like Ozzy Osbourne.  
  
Linda: Boo. *thumbs-down*  
  
Jam: Hey, Ozzy's cool.  
  
Linda: I was booing your pun.  
  
Jam: W-what pun is that.......  
  
Slash: Can I resume my place in this fanfic now?  
  
Jam: No. *pushes Slash offstage*  
  
Slash: Yeek! *crash noises heard*  
  
Jam: *dusts off hands* There. So Linda, what's the fanfic?  
  
Linda: "What the Snowboard Kids and Digidestined did" By Angewomon 2000.  
  
Jam: Cool. So....now I read the fanfic and summarize it?  
  
Linda: Right.  
  
Jam: Booyah. *reads it*  
  
Jam: *blinks*  
  
Jam: JEANETTE WATCHES ME CHANGING AND THEN TELLS EVERYONE I'M WEARING POKEMON BOXERS?!?!?  
  
Linda: *is trying very hard to supress her giggles*  
  
Jam: Uh, it's Easter, I forgot to plan the party, some of the kids are at the supermarket, the end. *runs off, gets Slash, drags him back on stage and then proceeds to cuss out Linda* YOU LITTLE [*beep*] I'M GONNA [*beeepin-beep*] YOU!!! THE NEXT TIME YOU [*beepbeep*] DO THIS TO ME I'M GONNA [*beep*] KILL YOU!!!  
  
Censors Offstage: Phew, that was hard.  
  
Me: Why don't you guys move on to the next fanfic?  
  
Linda: Okay. This next one is called, "I Once Had A Werewolf for a Brother" by Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: And, it goes like this. After Jam falls asleep and thinks he has the flu, Wendy conducts some experiments that prove that, after a blood transfusion, Jam has contracted an inherited disorder that can turn him into a werewolf. Thankfully, in the beginning he's only in the "puppy stage" but later on he gets more and more dangerous, and it turns out that Taichi (blinks, then frowns)  
  
Linda: Slash, it's a crossover. Just keep reading.  
  
Slash: Tai has to rescue Kari from Jam because he's a werewolf. So, one night he breaks down his door, he chases Kari, and..........this is taking too long. I'm gonna make a long story short. They split into teams, and somewhere in Town Square they happen across Sinobin, who lends a helping hand. They get led to a cave where they hear screams, where they discover Jam in great pain. So Wendy finds a temporary cure for the illness, and gives it to him, but later the screams are STILL there!!! They find Jam, but unfortunately they also find Kari, who's going to turn into a werewolf in a matter of minutes. THE HORROR!!! KARI AND JAM RUN AMUCK AND CHASE EVERYONE and the problem is that now there's TWO werewolves!!! But, there's still hope. A little blossom called the Moon Flower, which can cure ALL symptoms of werewoof  
  
Linda: Wolf.  
  
Slash: ........ALL symptoms of wereWOLF transformation. But unfortunately we happen upon Mr. Kuehnemund and Kenneth Nathan Ritcher, and the horrors continue from there because there's still no friggin' Moon Flower-  
  
Linda: Restriction of language....  
  
Slash: SCREW YOU!!! Anyway, not only do they have to find a Moon Flower and a Night Fruit AND a Gypsy Root, but now they have to avoid a ghost named Spooky (who actually helps them later on). So then they mix the ingredients, they make the tranquilizer darts, and the plan is put into action. They manage to set out and hit the werewolves with the darts, and when they are turned back into human, everyone throws a HUGE party and the story is settled peacefully.  
  
Linda: The bottom line? A quote from Tommy in Chapter 10 when everyone's cheering. "When's lunch?"  
  
Slash: For some reason I can't imagine Sinobin saying "yippee."  
  
Linda: Neither can I. But this story kicks butt, and I really suggest you read it. Plus, it's finished! Doesn't get any better than that.  
  
Slash: Next story!  
  
Linda: You read my mind. Our next tale is.........."Memories Return" by Angewomon2000.  
  
Slash: It sounds kinda sad.  
  
Linda: I think it is, but can you read it anyway?  
  
Slash: Sure. *reads it, and suddenly starts sniffling*  
  
Linda: Slash?  
  
Slash: *sniff, sniff*  
  
Linda: Are you okay?  
  
Slash: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! !!!!!!  
  
Linda: That is NOT a good sign.  
  
Slash: So sad! *gives her the fic* I can't read it again, it'll make me cry harder!  
  
Linda: Um, *reads it over* Well........it is a sad little tale about our buddy Jam. It's a secret nobody knew, about a tragic accident at his birth. He actually had a twin sister named Crystal (who was attached to his stomach at birth) but when she contracted a disease when they were seperated she died, and during the story when Jam's ten he reflects back on that......terrible........moment..........*drops the fanfic* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
*Slash and Linda put their arms around each other and sob uncontrollably*  
  
Jam: *walks onstage* Am I missing something?  
  
*Slash hands him the fanfic*  
  
Jam: *reads it, and suddenly hugs Slash and cries*  
  
*Now everyone's crying*  
  
Me: What is with you guys! You know it's just a story, right?  
  
Slash: But, but, it's so sad!!!! *continues crying*  
  
Me: *sigh* Well, I guess worse comes to worse. I'm gonna have to continue the next chapter when these guys calm down.  
  
Nancy: *walks onstage* You drama kings and queens go backstage and calm down. I'll read.  
  
Me: Thank you.  
  
*The sad Kids go backstage*  
  
Nancy: Okay, our fifth and final story review for today is "The Adventure of the Snowboard Kids' Lives" by Angewomon 2000. The story goes as follows; an evil girl named Renalia is plotting to hypnotize Snow Town when our darling Snowboard Kids are at the tender age of 3 years old (with the exception of Linda, who's 4). The little toddlers wake up with no mommies or daddies, and confusion sets in. So the little things go up to a mysterious tower they see, hoping their lost parents are inside, and they meet Serena, who has almost been killed by Renalia. With a little help from Aeris, the Little Ancient, our Snowboard Kids are finally able to overcome the big bad evil girl and save their parents -and the whole town- from certain destruction. The bottom line is, Sci-Fi, adventure, and (the cutest part of all!) Us Snowboard Kids as ADORABLE LITTLE CHIBIS!!!! You can't go wrong there.  
  
Slash: *walks back onstage* Well, that's it for today. Until next time. *hugs Nancy and cries*  
  
Nancy: *pets Slash's head* That'll do, pig. That'll do. 


	4. Our Fourth Five Reviews!

Part FOUR!  
  
P.S. A few slightly adult-themed wisecracks and situations pop up in this chapter, which makes this fic live up to the PG rating. Plus, I don't own the film, "Man on the Moon".  
  
---------------  
  
Me: Hola amigos y bienvienidos a la fanfic, "Slash and Linda; The Fic Critics.", Etapa Cuatro!  
  
Slash: Burrito.  
  
Linda: So what's the starter story for this chapter?  
  
Me: That would be "A Snowboard Carol," by MH-001. And guess what Slash? You're the main character in this one.  
  
Slash: Ole!  
  
Linda: ..........Right. Slash, um, here's the story now read. *gives him the story*  
  
Slash: Hm. *reads it* Uh, it's not the holidays yet.  
  
Linda: JUST READ IT HEDGEHOG BOY!!!!  
  
Slash: So my hair is spiky. That doesn't automatically make me Sonic. (reads the fic AGAIN)  
  
Linda: Done?  
  
Slash: Yes. Okay! The story is about me, who is sadly suffering from the highest heartburn symptoms of all time from a really disgusting plate of chili. Unfortunately the "meal of a thousand nightmares" goes straight to my brain when I'm sleeping, thus creating an odd sort of dream involving myself as "Slashenezer Scrooge," a crabby ten-year-old who's got HIS OWN JOB and hates the holidays as well as everyone. He gets visited by three ghosts (as well as a dude wrapped in Nintendo 64 controllers called Jacob Jamly) who tells me I'm gonna MEET those three ghosts later on. So I do! I get to see Tiny Tom stuffing his face with potato chips, I see my friends all grown up (and Nancy looking like a hot babe) and in the end they teach me the true virtues of holiday spirit and friendship. The End.  
  
Linda: Awesome. So my final comment on this is, if you want an interesting little winter tale to read on the holidays, this is it.  
  
Slash: No restrictions apply.  
  
Linda: Right. What's the next one?  
  
Me: "Aeris's Nightmare," By Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: Is there gonna be-  
  
Linda: I'm gonna tell Angie you're dissing her Digimon characters.  
  
Slash: I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE STINKIN' DIGIMON CHARACTERS!!  
  
Linda: You just did.  
  
Slash: Darn!  
  
Linda: Darn is right. So here's the story. Read.  
  
Slash: Hooked on phonics worked for me!  
  
Linda: READ!  
  
Slash: FINE! *reads it* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
Linda: What?  
  
Slash: *talks like Latka from the Jim Carrey movie "Man on the Moon"* IS SCARY! IS TERRIBLE! I, I DO NOT EVEN LIKE IT!!!  
  
Linda: *picks up the fanfic he dropped and reads it* Us Snowboard Kids on the ground, motionless, lying in our own blood? Yeesh, this sure isn't like Angie!  
  
Slash: IS TERRIBLE!  
  
Linda: Shut up. So now what?  
  
Slash: They find out that that little bitch from earlier-  
  
Linda: SLASH!!!  
  
Slash: Oops. Um, that GIRL from earlier, Renalia, is at it again. It's up to Aeris's siblings to rid her of her terrible nightmares and finish her servant Renara once and for all.  
  
Linda: Does she?  
  
Slash: She sure does. Next fic!  
  
Linda: Hold on! I haven't given the bottom line yet?  
  
Slash: Is that absolutely necessary?  
  
Linda: Yes!  
  
Slash: Fine then, do so.  
  
Linda: The bottom line is, love it or leave it, because this is certainly one fic to be remembered.  
  
Slash: Next fic now!  
  
Linda: I didn't forget. Our third story is, "The Halloween of Terror with the Snowboard Kids." By Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: Is it just me or has Angie slipped into a darker side while she wrote these next few?  
  
Linda: No clue. But let's read anyway. *they read it* And now here's Slash with the update.  
  
Slash: This is the eve-ning news with Slash Kamei. Today, there has been a bad tragedy at the Kuehnemund household. Their TV broke. How did it happen? Nooooooooobody knows. Here's Jam Kuehnemund himself.  
  
Jam: *from behind curtain* Were handling this tragedy great........keep on going, Slash, you're doing great.  
  
Linda: *whispers in Slash's ear*  
  
Slash: Oh! This just in..........Jam has doodoo for brains!  
  
Jam: HEY!  
  
Slash: Wait, there's more! *Linda whispers something else* If, if brains were gas, Jam wouldn't have enough, to fill up a car, and go around the block twice. That's all for the eve-ning news with Slash Kamei.  
  
Jam: YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!! *runs out from behind curtain*  
  
Slash: CUT! *gets tackled by Jam*  
  
Linda: Um, let ME do the description for this fanfic. It starts with Atlus getting mad and sending the Snowboard Kids, Angewomon, her little sister, and a few of our friends to Chillingham, a creepy place in England. We have to stay there the whole time, and unfortunately for us, as Wendy explained, our protection we were supposed to have is not present.  
  
Slash: *pokes his head out of fight cloud* They forgot the condoms?  
  
Linda: ENOUGH WITH THE PERVERTED JOKES!!! Anyway, after a debate about hitting ghosts with kendo sticks, our personal belongings are given to us and we are escorted to Chillingham just in time for Halloween.  
  
Slash: Oh the inhumanity.  
  
Jam: I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!!! *grabs Slash and drags him back into the fight*  
  
Linda: So we are forced to tough it out in that castle, being split up and put in different rooms (with Tommy actually being happy where he is [the kitchen]) and trying to deal with wicked ghosts, cadavers, killer rats, torture chambers, Slash's ghostbuster gun thingy made of a vacuum cleaner and three paper clips, and the like. Eventually we get by fine, but we're all scared as anything.  
  
Linda: The bottom line? A scene from Chapter 1...  
  
[" There's no way out now," the woman inside said. " The only other way is by pushing the buzzer in your room. If you push it, you'll all  
  
leave, get fired, and Atlus will become a Pokemon producer."  
  
" Push the buzzer and die," Jam threatened the others.}  
  
Linda: And that's the end of tale number three.  
  
Slash: What's the next one?  
  
Linda: "True Love Does Come in Song" by Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: Awww.....  
  
Linda: I know, sweet huh? Wanna read it?  
  
Slash: Sure ^_^ *reads the fic* IT'S JAM AND WENDY!!!!  
  
Jam: *from behind curtain* Yes!  
  
Slash: I wanna see 'em making out!  
  
Linda: That can be arranged.  
  
Jam: IT CAN?  
  
Linda: Continuing..........*reads the fic* Jam needs to find the perfect Valentine's Day gift for Wendy, but after returning home empty-handed he writes a sweet little song for her instead. After he finishes it, he goes to Wendy's house, gives it to her, and the resolution ends happily ever after.  
  
Slash: And our fifth and final fic review for this chapter is "My Report on the Snowboard Kids' Lives" By Angewomon 2000.  
  
Linda: I usually say that part.  
  
Slash: My turn. And now I will describe the fic. *ahem*. In this charming little tale, Angie spends a few days at the house where we all live in, writing down the funny things that happen.  
  
Linda: That's it?  
  
Slash:........That's it!  
  
Me: That was disappointingly short. Oh, and by the way Slash, I have a little story for you. *hands him a piece of paper*  
  
Slash: *reads it, gets wide eyes, and suddenly starts drooling*  
  
Linda: Uh, Miss Authoress?........  
  
Me: Yes?  
  
Linda: That wouldn't happen to be that one story your online buddy wrote about me and him, would it?  
  
Me: Yes, why?  
  
Slash: Hey Lin-da..........  
  
Linda: No.  
  
Slash: YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY!!!!  
  
Linda: That fanfic is an NC-17 fic about you and me and I know that after reading it it's gonna throw you into a MOOD. So don't start.  
  
Slash: C'mon, you know you wanna. *gets a little too close to her and starts.........touching and stuff*  
  
Linda: HANDS OFF!!!!!!! *smacks him across the face a good ten times*  
  
Slash: ..............ow.  
  
Linda: That'll teach you not to put yer paws on me, little boy.  
  
Me: Uh.........why don't we go to the next chapter now before this PG fic goes up to PG-13........ 


	5. Our Fifth Five Reviews!

Part FIVE!  
  
---------------  
  
Linda: Hello again, sorry it took so long for us to get back to the fic but the Authoress was having a little down time.  
  
Slash: (from offstage) WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *runs across the stage nude; the camera blurs out his unmentionables*  
  
Linda: Oh no. Not again.........NANCY!  
  
Nancy: (walks onstage) Yeah?  
  
Linda: Slash is in happy hour again. You be my assistant today.  
  
Nancy: OK.  
  
Linda: Our first story review is for "Aeris's Past Returns" By Angewomon2000.  
  
Nancy: Do I read it now?  
  
Linda: You sure do. *hands the fic to Nancy*  
  
Nancy: *Reads it* Okay, here's the scoop on this fic. It's a sunny and happy day in Snow Town, everything's cool, until us Kids stumble upon a big white crystal of some sort. Aeris explains that it's not hers, that she still HAS hers, and when the two crystals meet they glow and transport us Kids to the past. We wind up in some lost ancient ruin, where we meet Aeris's long-lost real mom, Ifalna. From there she explains the horrible things that happened to their ancient city, especially to Jam, who asked to be filled in on most of the information. They get to see a view of what happened in the past, and afterwards they are taken back to Snow Town.  
  
Linda: What happens next?  
  
Nancy: Nothing. Another unfinished fic.  
  
Linda: ARRRGH! All you authors better finish all your fics or I'll have to-  
  
Tommy: (walks onstage) Slash is better now. But I think we'd better keep Nancy as our assistant just in case.  
  
Linda: Good idea. So Nancy, what's our next fic?  
  
Nancy: A songfic "Kuehnemund Four" by Angewomon2000. And since it's a songfic, and I can't sing for beans, I'll just tell you what the song's about. It's a parody of the Sailor Moon theme song. Except with different lyrics of course.  
  
Linda: Is that pretty much that?  
  
Nancy: For now. Our third fic is "The Joys of Racing" by Taitofan!  
  
Linda: I love her stories. Even though none of them are about straight couples....  
  
Nancy: One of them is! Remember Taichi and Kari?  
  
Linda: Oh yeah..... (looks at Taitofan) Sorry, hon. So Nancy, talk to me. What's this fic about?  
  
Nancy: Well, Slash is in the last race of the Maltinie Tournament. He's against only one other person, not three other people like there usually is in our races, and this other person just so happens to be Slash's love.  
  
Linda: Awww.  
  
Nancy: And off they go with the sound of Mr. Dog's gun, down the slope. Slash's mind betrays his concentration, filled with thoughts of what him and his sweetheart would do after the race is over.  
  
Linda: Getting cuter!  
  
Nancy: But Slash's lovey-dovey dreamland causes him to trip over a rock, and he can only watch as his soulmate crosses the finish line. Yet, he still gets to his feet, and goes over to the other Kid, taps them on the shoulder.......  
  
Linda: (biting her nails)  
  
Nancy: ..........and says "Hey, great job.".........  
  
...............to which Jam turns around and says, "You really did great yourself. My house in half an hour?"  
  
Linda: SLASH AND JAM?!?!?!?  
  
Nancy: I think it's cute!  
  
(Sounds of someone trying to restrain Slash and Jam from beating up the Kids and Taitofan is heard offstage)  
  
Me (The Authoress): Hey! I just so happen to like that couple, thank you very much!  
  
Nancy: Me too! What's wrong with it?  
  
Linda: Urf......(looks like she's about to launch)  
  
Me: Since the Kids are too caught up in this odd moment, I'll explain our fourth fic. It's a songfic, "You and Me and Snowboard Kids", by Angewomon 2000. It was invented by her little sister, actually, and it's a parody of "You and Me and Pokemon." (turns around) Are you guys all calmed down yet?  
  
Linda: I am. I don't know about Slash and Jam.  
  
Me: Okay. Take it away, you two.  
  
Nancy: Okay, our last fic for today would be "Untitled" By Kitty Cat.  
  
Linda: Why is it untitled?  
  
Nancy: Well, it's another Slash/Jam (aka Banzai Moon) pairing.  
  
Me: I invented the pairing nickname ^_^  
  
Nancy: It's cute!  
  
Linda: (looks ill again)  
  
Nancy: Sorry. Linda isn't a big fan of yaoi or yuri fanfics. But most of us are, so we'll read anyway. *ahem* Slash is having some trouble at home, and decides to hide out in his "secret spot" which no one knows about but him and Jam. Jam does eventually arrive, and it isn't long before Slash's troubles catch up with him. He can't fight the tears, and Jam cradles him while he cries. When Slash recovers, the two share a short race and a sweet smile before Slash returns home.  
  
Linda: *sniff sniff*  
  
Nancy: See? Not that bad.  
  
Slash: (walks onstage, clothed [thankfully] this time) Wha'd I miss? Tommy was too busy trying to give me tranquilizers.  
  
Nancy: Since Taitofan's fic.....uh......a songfic and another Slash/Jam fic by KittyCat.  
  
Slash: Agh! I couldn't ever picture myself loving him. I mean he's my buddy, but I can't ever picture like, kissing him and stuff.  
  
Jam: Same here with me towards Slash.  
  
Nancy: And that's a wrap for this episode of "Slash and Linda; The Fic Critics!"  
  
Slash: Actually today it was "Nancy and Linda".  
  
Me: Oh whatever people. Tune in next time! 


	6. Our Sixth Five Reviews!

Part SIX!  
  
---------------  
  
Slash: Hello and we're back again after much.....uh.....awaitedness.  
  
Linda: Anticipation.  
  
Slash: What you said. Let's start this next five reviews off on a good note this time.  
  
Linda: Especially after your streaking incident...?  
  
Slash: Forget that. What's the first one for today?  
  
Linda: That would be.....hey, Miss Authoress! Your first SK fic is up next on our list!  
  
Me: YES! Don't flame it, please.  
  
Slash: Oh trust me, we will.  
  
Me: S**t  
  
Linda: (laughs) No, we won't. Right Slash?  
  
Slash: Right. We will.  
  
Linda: Uh, no. Now on to the task at hand. Our first fic for this section is "The Ninja Land Adventure; Act 1" by Kitty Kuehnemund!  
  
Me: Yes!................again  
  
Linda: Slash? I'm trusting you to be honest on this one.  
  
Slash: Uhhh.......huh. Okieday. It starts off with us Kids-  
  
Linda: Actually it says right here that Sinobin-  
  
Slash: ME! NOT YOU! ME!  
  
Linda: ...  
  
Slash: .......It starts off with us Kids bugging Nancy to make us breakfast. Like we always do! So after a normal morning we trudge off to Ninja Land and practically freeze to death in the process. Yes! Suckville! But it gets better. It's about seventy degrees in Ninja Land once we get there, so that's the pro. The con is that me and Jam and Tommy get sidetracked and find ourselves seduced by three cute little Japanese girls....  
  
Jam: CON?!?!? THAT'S the PRO!!! I'd rather be surrounded by lovely geishas than be stuck in Sinobin's hometown!!!  
  
Slash: No comment from rapper boy. Anyhoo, while us three boys are in terrible peril, Linda and Nancy rescue us-  
  
Jam: One of us which did NOT want to be rescued.....  
  
Slash: -only to be confronted by Sinobin himself. He tells us to stop hanging around and get to the start line because he's an impatient son of a-  
  
Sinobin: (walks onstage) Thank you. I'll take it from here. (shoves Slash into the orchestra pit)  
  
Slash: EEYAH! (falls down)  
  
Linda: Uh, here. (Hands Sinobin the fic)  
  
Sinobin: Now where were we. Ah, yes. The children and I have just made it to the start line, and as we are waiting for Dog-san to arrive, Jam and Linda begin maliciously flirting, which I take upon myself to stop before things get out of hand. I personally think that boy has horniness issues.  
  
Me: Let's keep it under PG-13, Sinobin!  
  
Sinobin: All apologies.  
  
Slash: Hey! That's a song from Nirvana!  
  
Sinobin: Continuing. Anyway, the race begins, and for most of the ordeal I am in first place. But a little competitive action from the other three children lands me in last place at the last minute, and the one they call Jam takes home the trophy. The story concludes with a romantic moment between Jam and Linda. Owari. (takes a bow)  
  
Slash/Linda/Authoress: (claps)  
  
(Sinobin walks offstage)  
  
Slash: (picks up the papers) I think he's better at it than you are.  
  
Linda: Shut up. The bottom line is, it's got action, it's got humor....... (starts singing) It's cool, it's hot, it's everything you're not! Now what's the next fic?  
  
Slash: "Out of Control" by Kitty Cat.  
  
Linda: (walks offstage)  
  
Me: You know, Linda, you insult us shonen-ai fans every time you pull stunts like this.  
  
Slash: (also walks offstage)  
  
Me: WHAT'S A PAIR OF GOOD CRITICS IF THEY'RE SCARED TO EVEN TOUCH A YAOI FIC?!? HUH HUH HUH?!?  
  
Tommy: Go on.  
  
Me: Sorry. Anyway, Out of Control is centered around Slash, and apparently we get the impression that his home and school live are somewhat troubled. His father is also a real piece of work. Sadly, Slash comes home after a rotten school day only to discover that his parents are divorcing. Furious, he grabs his snowboard boots and board and storms out of the house. Later, at the "secret spot", he meets up with Jam, where Slash tells him about everything that has been going on. It ends with a twist; after Slash is done crying, Jam kisses him! On the lips too! (Cuteness!) Slash doesn't seem to mind, but it adds on to the issues of the day that have been running through Slash's mind. Later he musters up the courage to kiss Jam back. The issues tend to continue; his dad moves to Surrey, Jam begins avoiding Slash (except to give him a copy of "Am I Blue?...."), Slash's mom finds the books he has been reading, and other things. Eventually things even out a little, and Slash and Jam do find solace in each other.  
  
Linda: (walks back onstage) Now I'm starting to wonder why I walked out in the first place. That was actually pretty good.  
  
Slash: My dad is a butthole though. She got that right.  
  
Me: Thanks. You guys finish your job.  
  
Slash: What's our third fanfic?  
  
Linda: "The Cat-Astrophic School Project" By Kitty Kuehnemund. Hey Miss Authoress! We have another story of yours here!  
  
Me: Booyah! Read it willya?  
  
Slash: Without further ado! Okay. It features Brittany and Jeanette, two kids related to me and Jam. They're our little sisters. It also features the rest of us kids. And here it goes; Jam is being a slacker in Science Class so he gets assigned a killer school project - something to do with RADIUM! Now this doesn't turn out like any other Marie Curie's patent project, it deals with soup cans, tinfoil, and a radioactive laser beam that the project fires that transforms me and the other Kids into KITTENS! So we trek around the house, mewing and meowing, eventually finding each other so we can stick together. With a little teamwork from Brittany and Jeanette, us Kids are turned back to normal, and Jam brings a ray gun to school, and turns his TEACHER into a cat! The end!  
  
Linda: The bottom line for this one is, don't play with radium; hilarity will definitely ensue.  
  
Slash: Are you in honors English?  
  
Linda: No....  
  
Slash: 'Cuz you sure do use big words.  
  
Linda: You're the one who mentioned the word "trek" in your review.  
  
Slash: I got it from "Star Trek"!  
  
Linda: TV. I should have known. What's our fourth fanfic?  
  
Slash: That would be......."A Sense of Loyalty" by SakuraBlossom.  
  
Linda: ........  
  
Slash: You've read this one before?  
  
(Linda walks offstage AGAIN)  
  
Me: Uh oh. Linda has left the building. That means it's yaoi.  
  
Slash: I'll stick around for this one. "Out of Control" was pretty cool. This one might be the same.  
  
Me: Okay. Do you want to do the summary or should I?  
  
Slash: I will. Okay, it starts with a sunny morning in Snow Town, but Jam has a very odd question in mind. It appears that he has fallen in love with ME, and doesn't know how or when to tell me. We do go to Sunny Mountain to talk about it, but halfway there after a stop for hot cocoa he tries to confess and fails. But I sweetly reassure him that he's not alone, and I give him a little kiss. *blinks*  
  
Me: Keep going.  
  
Slash: When our relationship finally develops we go out on our first date, to a moonlit spot, and other romantic things. However, our first hardships also occur; Jam gets beaten up by bullies on the school grounds, and days later I get hit by a car. At the end of the fic, we reunite in the Emergency Room of the hospital, and manage to comfort each other.  
  
Me: (claps)  
  
Linda: (walks back onstage) Is it over?  
  
Slash: Yeah. The bottom line is, it's sugary sweet and some parts are gonna make you cry. Well not really. Onions never did make me cry.  
  
Linda: Good. What's our fifth and final fic for today?  
  
Slash: "The Snowboard Kids and Digidestined Go To Movies" by Angewomon2000.  
  
...............WAITAMINUTE!!!! MORE DIGIDESTINED?!? I'M SO SICK OF THIS!!!  
  
Linda: Slash!!! Cool your jets, it's just a crossover!  
  
Slash: I don't care! Those crazy Digimon kids are in ALL HER FICS!  
  
Me: SLASH, THAT'S ENOUGH!!!  
  
Slash: (hangs head low) Yes'm.  
  
Me: Anyway............uh....................  
  
Slash: Hm?  
  
Me: The Fan Fiction thing says, "Site experiencing overload.....please come back in a few minutes."  
  
Slash: Try again.  
  
*A few minutes later*  
  
Me: Ah, here we go. Slash and Linda, take it from here.  
  
Linda: Sure. Slash, read the fic please.  
  
Slash: Anyway, us Kids, the Digidestined and Angewomon are trying to watch a decent movie without everything going wrong. Unfortunately, I have bathroom issues, Jam and Tai are having constant bitch fights, we cross paths with Barney and the movie winds up to be a live-interview with Sailor Moon and Goku, not to mention Pikachu.  
  
Linda: The bottom line? If you get to meet anime characters in person, it's GOTTA be good!  
  
Slash: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Until next time?  
  
Linda: Guaranteed.  
  
Sinobin: Thank goodness. 


	7. Our Seventh Five Reviews!

Part SEVEN!  
  
---------------  
  
Linda: Well, we're back again.  
  
Slash: And don't worry, this time we'll try to keep it clean.  
  
Tommy: Like that'll ever happen.  
  
Linda: Moving on....what's our first fic for our seventh part?  
  
Slash: Uh, I can't find the stack-thingy of fic-doodads.  
  
Linda: It's right next to you.  
  
Slash: *sees the papers* HI!  
  
Linda: *smacks her forehead with the palm of her hand*  
  
Slash: Okay. First fic for today......."Wandering in a Sea of What Not", by Kitty Cat.  
  
Linda: Intriguing. What's the plot?  
  
Slash: It starts with my folks trying to give me "the talk". I already know all there is to know, so they're kinda thwarted there. But what they DON'T know is that I'm dating the person next door. And NOT Linda, like they think.  
  
Linda: And without resentment!  
  
Slash: So, we "Meet the Parents" of the new kid in town, Michael, who turns out to be the biggest pain in the ass ever to grace the Earth's crust. He starts giving me crap, and eventually finds out that me and Jam are going out. The crap continues, and by the time we hit chapter 8, I'm being slugged by that crap full of crap. I get taken to the hospital, where I'm taken care of and greeted by Jam, and all's well that ends well. We also get a sneak preview of a fic that deals with Linda being pregnant. And she's got MY KID!!!!!  
  
Linda: I'm gonna be sick......*runs off stage*  
  
Me: Slash, maybe you'd better skip Kyle when we get to it.  
  
Slash: No way! How do you think that's gonna make Kitty Cat feel?  
  
Jam: *walks onstage* Well, I think I'd better sit in for Linda for a bit. She's in the bathroom......I think she's up-chucking.  
  
Slash: I didn't know she hated me THAT much. Okay, what's our second fic? *hands Jam the papers*  
  
Jam: "The Bubble Bath Fight" by Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: Oh gee. I wonder what this is rated.  
  
Jam: Well, the disclaimer says that what she means is not really a bath in the bathtub, it involves bubbles in a swimming pool. And we're all wearing swimsuits.  
  
Slash: I hope so! So what's it about?  
  
Jam: Well, it's a short fic about me and you and we decide to pull a prank at a pool party. We pour bubble bath stuff in there and pretty soon, there's more bubbles than water. Linda finds out, the chaos ensues, and her mansion is swamped with suds. In the end, me and Slash have suffered the pain and humility of being beaten to a pulp by the brattiest bitch in school -  
  
Me: PG!!!  
  
Jam: - ooookay.........yet everyone ELSE manages to make the best of it. The bottom line: Bubbles + Linda = Whupping.  
  
Slash: Why did we have to get whupped by a GIRL?!?  
  
Jam: Yeah I know, really.  
  
Tommy: You two had it coming.  
  
Slash: *suddenly thinks it would be funny to act black* SHUT YO MOUF, FOO! IMMA KICK YO ASS!  
  
Jam: Riiiiiight.  
  
Nancy: That was lame.  
  
Tommy: That's putting it mildly.  
  
Slash: I did it to be FUNNY!!!  
  
Jam: Well, it wasn't.  
  
Slash: Third fic?  
  
Jam: "Movie Scenes starring the Snowboard Kids" by Kitty Kuehnemund.  
  
Me: Yes! Another of mine!  
  
Nancy: I like Kitty K.'s fics too.  
  
Jam: Slash, you do the describing this time. And don't act black.  
  
Slash: Yeah yeah yeah.......all right. It's scenes from Monty Python, Batman Returns, and the Little Rascals. And we all act like different characters. I get to be the big tall guy who says "NI!" In Monty Python.  
  
Jam: I get to be Buckwheat in The Little Rascals.  
  
Tommy: I forgot who I was.  
  
Jam: They should have made YOU be Penguin!  
  
Slash: Really.  
  
Jam: Bottom line is, it's only funny if you've seen those movies before.  
  
Slash: It's funny anyway!  
  
Tommy: What's the fourth fic?  
  
Slash: "Dreams Dreams" by Angewomon2000.  
  
Jam: Hey! Is this the one where I'm singing?  
  
Slash: Oh gosh.  
  
Tommy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!!! YOU AND JEANETTE?!?!?  
  
Slash: MY LITTLE SISTER?!?  
  
Jam: WHAAT? ANGEWOMON YOU CRAP FULL OF CRAP -  
  
Me: *grabs Jam's shirt collar and commences to slap him a good twenty times across the face*  
  
Jam: Ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!  
  
Tommy: Pass the popcorn.  
  
Nancy: Here ya go.  
  
Slash: Well, this is a songfic. It pairs up Jam and Jeanette, and there's a lot of Yeah-Yeahs and Woo-Woos and who knows what. And it's cute!  
  
Tommy: The bottom line? As long as Jam's not around, read to your heart's content!  
  
Nancy: What's our last fic?  
  
Slash: "The Wrong Gameshark Code" by Kitty Kuehnemund. OOH! I LOVE THIS ONE!!!  
  
Jam: *staggers over* Which one?  
  
Slash: I wanna read. Is Linda done being sick yet?  
  
Tommy: No.  
  
Slash: Poo. All right, here's the scoop. Jam wants to become Mr. Moneybags for a day, so he asks me if he can borrow my GameShark. I give it to him, and he puts in the code, but the problem is that it doesn't work out. Jam gets a tummyache, and when he finishes the race he pukes. When we take him home we find out that he's got morning sickness, because the GameShark gave him a baby Pokemon, and did so by putting it in his tummy! Nine days later, he starts having pains in the middle of the night so we ring up the doctor. It takes a few hours but finally Jam pulls through just fine, and we're given the cutest little gift ever - a baby Pichu!  
  
Jam: Uh, dudes can't get pregnant.  
  
Tommy: HEL-LOO! CAN YOU SAY, *FICTION*?!?  
  
Jam: Oh yeah.  
  
Linda: *walks back onstage, wiping her mouth off with her sleeve* Ick.  
  
Slash: The bottom line is, you've never read anything like it!!!  
  
Linda: And that's all the time we have for today, so -  
  
Tommy: *does a really annoying Barney voice* Until later, kids!  
  
Everyone except Tommy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 


	8. Our Eighth Five Reviews!

Part EIGHT!  
  
P.S. I didn't create Homestarrunner.com. The two guys and the girl who did.......did.  
  
---------------  
  
Linda: Greetings again and welcome to the eighth installment of Slash and Linda: The Fic Critics.  
  
Slash: Yeah.  
  
Linda: What's the matter with you?  
  
Slash: Feeling a little under the weather.  
  
Linda: Awww.  
  
Slash: I sense sarcasm.  
  
Linda: Our first fic for this part is "My Sweet Angel" By Reaper On A Mission.  
  
Slash: Creepy.  
  
Linda: At least it's a new author! I was looking for a new one. Anyway, this one....Slash, why don't you.  
  
Slash: I usually do anyway. Right, now this one is a little on the psycho side. First of all, I manage to get away with calling Linda a cunt. How the heck did I get away with that, you ask?  
  
Linda: Here's the catch. YOU WON'T!!!!! *starts beating up Slash*  
  
Me: *covers her eyes*  
  
(five minutes later)  
  
Me: Is it over? *peeks through fingers*  
  
Linda: Yep. Problem taken care of.  
  
Slash: Ha ha ha! Trogdor strikes again!!!!  
  
Me/Linda: ?  
  
Tommy: I think you hit him a little too hard, Linda.  
  
Linda: I'll say. Who the hell is Trogdor?  
  
Slash: Set the peasants on fire!!! *tackles Linda*  
  
Tommy: Oh great.  
  
Me: Hey Tommy, while "Trogdor" achieves burnination, why don't you read the first fic.  
  
Tommy: Okay. Hmmm.......where to start.......okay! Anyway, we left off where Slash called Linda a very vulgar name. After a fight on the bus, the driver gives out assigned seats. Damien gets stuck next to Linda. But he doesn't seem to mind, because they soon bond. (Hey, Linda can be pretty demonic sometimes, too.)  
  
Linda: You want some of this too, chubbs? *holds up fist*  
  
Tommy: No, I was just saying.......aw, who cares. Linda and Damien find out they like each other, the end, deja vu. *leaves*  
  
Me: Well, THAT was uncalled for!  
  
Slash: I'm way better at fic-reading than he is.  
  
Linda: What's the next one?  
  
Slash: "Reaper's Boredom" by Reaper on a Mission.  
  
Linda: Cool! Another one by her. What's this one about?  
  
Slash: Well, it deals with us Snowboard Kids, Tommy eating the burnt remains of a Pikachu, the human Pokemon characters dangling over a huge bonfire at the last thread of their life, a Mew and a Mewtwo with a mother/son relationship, me cussing at the top of my lungs and so on and so forth! Insanity ensues, and at the end, quote from Reaper; "ASH DIES!!!"  
  
Linda: Cruel, but Atlus was the one who threatened to turn the company into a Pokemon producer.  
  
Slash: I bet this changed our minds. The bottom line is, if you hate Pokemon and you love Snowboard Kids, look no further than "Reaper's Boredom."  
  
Linda: The third fic on our list is, "Kyle" by Kitty Cat.  
  
Slash: I've read this one before, so I don't even have to read the fic to know what it's about.  
  
Linda: Then tell them.  
  
Slash: Okay. The first chapter is in Linda's POV (point - of - view). We are shocked to discover that she's pregnant. Even MORE shockingly! She's got MY KID!!! So as nine months drags on, my relationship with Linda fizzles slightly, and me and Jam are seeming to grow closer. By the time month #7 or 8 rolls around, me and Jam discover that we're head over heels in love with each other. (Also Linda comes up with the dumb idea of naming our kid "Jojo.")  
  
Me: Hey, that was Kitty Cat's idea, not Linda's.  
  
Slash: So? It's still stupid.  
  
Me: Kiiiiiiittyy Caaaaaat.......  
  
Slash: Shit.  
  
Kitty Cat: All right. Who's the one that said "Jojo" was stupid? *pounding fist into the palm of her other hand*  
  
Slash: That......would be me........*eep*  
  
Kitty Cat: Linda, the father of your child is about to be beaten to a bloody pulp. Say your last respects.  
  
Linda: *flicks Slash off*  
  
Me: Not very respectful, but it'll do.  
  
Kitty Cat: *gives Slash his second beating*  
  
Me: *covers eyes again*  
  
Linda: *sighs and picks up fic where Slash left off* At long last, one fateful night I can feel the pains coming. I'm taken to the hospital, and Slash doesn't find out 'till later. But he does get there on time, and after he gets back from wandering around trying to find the gift shop, he arrives just in time to witness the birth of our little son, Kyle Alexander Kamei. So the bottom line for this one is, if you're one of those people who thinks birth is kinda gross (even when there's no detail involved) scoot away, but if you're a fan of me and Slash being together you might wanna read this one.  
  
Slash: I'm gonna cry.....  
  
Linda: I didn't know you were touched by such maternal subjects.  
  
Slash: No, it's just that I think Kitty Cat broke my ribs......*sniff sniff*  
  
Linda: *practically flies into a rage* SO YOU FEEL NO LOVE FOR OUR NEWBORN SON BUT YOU CRY WHEN YOUR OWN ASS GETS WHUPPED?!?!?!?  
  
Me: Oh no. By now, Slash is gonna wind up in the emergency room.  
  
*For the third time, Slash is pummeled*  
  
Tommy: Technically, he said his ribs were broke, so it wasn't his ass that got whupped, it was his ribs.  
  
Me: You always were good at logic, weren't you?  
  
Tommy: *beams* Yup!  
  
Linda: *dusts off hands* So what's the fourth fic for the day, Kitty Kuehnemund?  
  
Me: Ehhhhh....."The Christmas of Terror with the Snowboard Kids" by Angewomon 2000.  
  
Slash: *unconscious*  
  
Linda: Since little Slashie is feeling even THREE TIMES MORE under the weather, I'll do this summary. This "Chrismas of Terror" ensues with our crazy creators, Atlus, sending us to yet ANOTHER CREEPY MANSION for the holidays! What, do we no longer get to enjoy a nice holiday AT HOME?!? Well anyway, after Yuffie the psycho walks right into the haunted place and plenty of facefaults and Materia discussion is shared, we hear a chainsaw and half of us scream bloody murder. After trying to convince Natalie that there's NO SUCH THING AS GHOSTS, it doesn't work of course. Slash, being the scatterbrain he is, opens the door after someone knocks on it and tells everyone it's a freak show with a chainsaw. We run for our lives, being pursued by this modern day Jason Voorhees, until the authoress pans over to the opposite side of the mansion where three other Kids are. They don't seem affected by the chainsaw-wielding maniac, but instead stroll quietly through the mansion like all's well. Eventually, the chainsaw dude gets blown up by "Self-Destruct Materia" and we all get to go back home for Christmas.  
  
Slash: The.......bottom line...........ouch.  
  
Linda: You couldn't have said it better!  
  
Tommy: Don't make him talk, he's in obvious pain.  
  
Linda: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURT TO HAVE KYLE?!?  
  
Tommy: Uh, Linda, that never happened. That was just a fanfic.  
  
Linda: *blink blink*..............Oh yeah! Hee hee! *gets all ditzy and blonde-like*  
  
(Everyone sweatdrops and falls over anime-style)  
  
Slash: So.....you beat me up for NOTHING?!?  
  
Linda: I guess so! Ha ha ha!  
  
Slash: Well guess what? You've just inspired me to let YOU feel just how painful it was to be PUNCHED TO OBLIVION!!! *attacks Linda*  
  
Jam: Hey! Didn't yo mama ever tell ya not to hit girls?  
  
Tommy: He's got a point.  
  
Slash: GENDER DISCRIMINATION NO LONGER MATTERS!!! *continues pummeling*  
  
Nancy: Since when is he so articulate?  
  
Me: Who knows. On to the last fic of the chapter.  
  
Nancy: Which would be, "Slash and Jam's Revenge" By BlondePunka08. Her pen name changes all the time, though, so if there's a different one when you read this fic I can't say I didn't warn ya.  
  
Jam: Good thinking.  
  
Tommy: Maybe WE should host this show from now on!  
  
Jam: Yeah really! What's the fic about, Nancy?  
  
Nancy: Well, Linda's being a brat, especially towards Slash and Jam. But they already have an ace up their sleeve.......the ultimate prank book! The volume of Jackass-related stunts includes............  
  
-Put crap in a paper bag and leave it open. Put it on someone's doorstep. Set it on fire, ring the doorbell, and run.  
  
-While someone's in a portapotty, run at it and push it over.  
  
-While someone's in a portapotty, back up a truck at the door. Remove it that evening.  
  
-Leave a water balloon under someone's mat, ring the doorbell, and run.  
  
Jam: Nasty.  
  
Tommy: Really. So what do they plan to do with these pranks? They're gonna use them on Linda, but none of them really apply to someone like her. Soooo, they invent ones like, "Board down the slope with Linda's panties on your head" and stuff like that.  
  
Jam: I must have invented THAT one. I always think of the ones that embarass people.  
  
Nancy: So they make an entire list of all the pranks ever invented........and they plan to use them ALL on poor defenseless Linda!!!  
  
Tommy: So in the next few hours, Wendy demonstrates her sky-high IQ, Linda brags about having pranks for the two boys as well, and within days it's all planned out. The two even manage to nab a few pairs of Linda's underwear. So they have it all planned out, they've got the old prank book re-written, and.............  
  
Nancy/Jam: WELL?  
  
Tommy: *drops the fic and whines* The fic's not finished!  
  
Nancy/Jam: WHAAAAAAAAT?!?  
  
Me: Suck!!!  
  
Tommy: Watch your mouth.  
  
Linda: *comes back all beaten up* I think my left eye's gone.  
  
Nancy: That just painted a graphic image.  
  
Me: Which we no longer need to complete. Until next time, muchachos! 


	9. Our Ninth Five Reviews!

Part NINE!

-----------

Linda: Hello again, everyone, we're back from our indefinite hiatus. It seems too many people were getting beaten up and injured, so we had to cancel the fic until we got the contract settled with the authoress.

Slash: In short, violence sells on TV, but not in fanfiction.

Linda: (blinks) VERY well put, Slash. Something tells me you've grown up a bit since we last started doing this.

Slash: I have a belly button.

Linda: ...I stand corrected. Anyway, another notice here. Things have changed at since the fic was put on hold, so the order of the fanfics posted has changed a bit. Because some fanfics since then have been removed, we are going to progress to "The Clash of the Anime and Video Game Characters" by Angewomon 2000.

Slash: This should be good. Can I do it?

Linda: You usually always do, remember?

Slash: ... ... ...wait, what?

Linda: READ. (gives him the fanfic)

Slash: (grumbles something about Linda being a "poopyhead")...uh, anyway, we find our heroes driving down the highway with Damien and Sinobin snowboarding behind us. ...Wait, why aren't THEY driving?

Damien: I'm a speed demon. (drumroll, cymbal clash)

Sinobin: (sweatdrop) Ninjas don't look good behind the wheel.

Slash: Oh. So after getting lost (thanks to Tommy holding the map upside down), we pan over to a nearby convention hall, where the cast of Pokemon, Sailor Moon and Super Mario are bickering and slandering each other.

Linda: Where the hell are they, on the set of Jerry Springer?

Slash: ...no, they're in a convention hall. (sweatdrop)

Linda: Oh. You already said that, didn't you?

Slash: Afraid so.

Linda: Sorry, I'm not all there today. Go on.

Slash: So we drive the car through the convention waiting room, where all the other characters have gathered to participate in the Anime and Game Convention. When we get there, it seems as though we'll actually make peace with the characters who are already THERE, but instead a few other harsh words are exchanged and a huge fight the size of North Carolina ensues. Nancy somehow acquires Digimon "Crest of Friendship" powers and burns down the entire convention hall, forcing them to cancel the event. After having our picture taken, we learn that Ash is a girl trapped in a boy's body, Sailor Uranus is NOT the cause of all earthquakes, and that insulting Luigi's hat earns you a one-way ticket to pain.

Linda: In a nutshell, if Super Smash Bros. Melee wasn't enough for you, then this fanfic might help to put a smile on your face. Or make it bigger.

Slash: (sings "The Ultimate Showdown") This is the ultimate shooowdoooown! Bad guys, good guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see-

Linda: Slash, this isn't American Idol. Get with the program. 

Slash: Buttmunch.

Linda: Anyway! Next fiiiic...(shuffles through papers) A-ha. It's "Halloween", by Kitty Cat. (reads the summary, then her eyebrow starts to twitch)

Slash: Uh-oh. Houston, we have a yaoi fic.

Linda: (sigh) Slash, if you will? (hands the papers to him)

Slash: Why do I always have to read the stories about me having gay sex?

Me: FINE, if neither of you will do your job, then I will! takes the fanfic from Slash Anyways, while he's out shopping for stuff for a Halloween party, Slash meets this really hot guy named Chris. Over the course of the next few days (Halloween weekend) they establish a bit of a relationship, all the while dealing with rumors that a vampire has been attacking dozens of people in town and draining their blood. Slash eventually realizes that Chris IS the serial killing vampire, and this leads to the end of their relationship when Chris is forced to leave Snow Town on suspicions that he'll be caught by the police. He gives Slash a parting gift the day before Halloween, telling him he hopes to see him again someday.

Linda: You know, that was actually pretty sweet.

Me: See, you say this every single time! We pull out a yaoi fic, you storm off, then we actually read it and you say "hmm, this isn't bad".

Linda: (sweatdrop) And why isn't Slash being criticized for not wanting to read it!

Slash: (grins dopily) I'm a good boy.

Me: Sure you are. What's the next on the list?

Linda: It appears to be...ah yes, it's "Do-A-Wo" by Spellbound.

Tommy: Oh $#&, I remember this one.

Slash: Oh! Oh! Me too! I know it by heart!

Linda: Then do your job, Quills.

Slash: Grr. Anyhow, I'm having a big party at my house-

Tommy: It's at MY house.

Linda: I thought you said you had this memorized!

Slash: I DO! I JUST FORGOT ONE PART, OKAY?

Linda: You'd better not forget anything else or I'll whack you so hard you'll forget who YOU are.

Slash: Anyway, we're having a big party at (screams at Linda) TOMMY'S HOUSE!...

Linda: (pained look on her face) ...

Slash: ...and once I get there, the other guys tell me they need my help. It appears that they are unable to understand Tommy's incoherent mumbling, and need me to play the role of translator.  
Not doing a very good job, I just make crap up and it eventually leads to Tommy's (literal) downfall when I translate a bunch of "doos" and "doo-wo-e-ohs" into "I want my board painted pink, broken, and I want to be shoved off Death Peak". The end result is Tommy having a very UNhappy birthday.

Linda: My two cents? If you've always wondered how on earth we kids understand our big-guy-in-  
green's muffled muttering, here's the thing; we actually DON'T! (chuckles) This bizarre little ficlet based on just that is sure to get you snickering.

Slash: Oo Don't say that!

Linda: ...say what?

Slash: (grabs Linda by her shirt collar) Don't you know what 'snickering' IS?

Linda: Yeah, it's-

Slash: NO! It's a slang term they use in jail for throwing crap at people!

Linda: (miffed) Well, I'm SURE the readers know that THAT'S not what I'm talking about, unless they're imagining me as a filthy zoo monkey.

Slash: Hahahaha, Linda the poo-throwing-monkey.

Linda: For pete's sake, Slash, grow a freaking brain!

Slash: I reject your reality and insert my own!

Linda: ... ... ... ooooo-kay. So! Our next fanfic on the list is "You Know That If You Were A Video Game..." by Angewomon 2000.

Slash: She's got a crapload of fics, doesn't she?

Linda: Of course, but it appears she's done something a bit different this time. She's compiled a list of things that indicate how much of a hardcore Snowboard Kids fan you are.

Slash: Oh! Oh! Like Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck" thing?

Linda: Yeah, kinda like that!

Slash: (changes his voice to a Southern drawl) If any a' yorr relatives ever died raght after sayin' "hey, watch THIS", yew maght be a redneck!

Linda: Slash, that sounds like something one of YOUR relatives would do.

Slash: You make it sound like my entire family tree is dumb.

Linda: And not just you? (sticks her tounge out)

Slash: ...read the stupid fic, please.

Linda: Moving right along...in a nutshell, it's a big long list of some of the indicators of a big SBK fan. These include:

You own all of the games ever released;

You've created your own Snowboard Kids character, complete with age, stats and everything;

You write SBK fanfiction and draw SBK fanart;

You bought a snowboard but you can't ride one for crap;

Linda: ...and many, MANY others. The list is HUGE; I suggest reading it for yourself because it's a doozy!

Slash: Holy cow. There must be like, 50 different things on that list. (grins) We have hardcore fans!

Linda: And one is the creator of this whole project. (gestures to the authoress)

Me: Hehe. Hey. (waves to readers)

Slash: So what's the last one on the list for today?

Linda: Ah yes, our finisher for this chapter is... "Counting Snowboard Kids" by Angewomon 2000!

Slash: Another one.

Linda: Yup. In this short little fic, Angewomon herself is suffering from a bout of insomnia, and attempts to count Snowboard Kids instead of sheep. So us Snowboard Kids are hopping over the fence, la-da-da-da-da...but then she finds fault with the way we're jumping over, or one of us falls down and she has to start over, etcetera etcetera. So, she's having a tough time falling asleep AND with her method of achieving sleep.

Slash: In sum, sleepless nights are caused by too much thinking. And it's true, too!

Linda: Regarding the fic, though, it's cute and it's short, and it's got quite a little novel idea. Give it a read if you want something sugar-infested.

Slash: (wide eyes) Oo Sugar? Where? NEED SUGAR! (starts running around the stage spouting random gibberish)

Linda: Oh crap. We've created a monster.

Slash: (grins) MONSTER DRINKS! GIMME ONE, GIMME ONE, GIMME GIMME GIMME!

Linda: (sweatdrop) "Gimme gimme never gets", Slash. Well, folks, until next time, don't touch that remote, unless you will actually find something that's even more random than this show. Or fic.

Slash: NYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA! 


End file.
